


Say Goodbye, Say Hello

by do_not_confess



Category: Friday Night Lights
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-05
Updated: 2013-07-05
Packaged: 2017-12-17 19:16:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/871058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/do_not_confess/pseuds/do_not_confess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He lies awake at night in his room, on top of the crumpled covers, and listens to Dylan singing out what he can’t name, words slow and heavy pouring out into the hot Texas dark.</p><p>A look at Matt's life through the years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Say Goodbye, Say Hello

**Author's Note:**

> This is an old fic originally posted on livejournal. Now slightly AU as it was written before the completion of the series.

At 16, she’s like his universe. Or at least she’s the center of it, her and her family. Coach and the team and the town, all interwoven, all intertwined. It’s kinda hard to think about them separately. 

The moments with her already feel nostalgic, like they're something out of this world. The two of them are made of clichés on the outside – he’s the QB and she’s the pretty girl that kisses him after the game – just another cookie cutter high school romance. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth, really. Doesn’t even come close to what he feels for her. 

To Matt, they’re brand new, a tiny wonder. Stolen kisses over frozen casseroles and study cards, wild crazy confessions made on his front porch, mumbling _I love you_ in her hair so she can’t hear him. He lies awake at night in his room, on top of the crumpled covers and listens to Dylan singing out what he can’t name, words slow and heavy pouring out into the hot Texas dark. Testily tries on this thing called happiness. 

For the first time he feels part of something that’s bigger than him. Being with Julie. Being on the team. Like, really feels part of it, worthy and essential. They win state but that’s just a label for this huge machine that his life has turned into. 

\--

At 17, he hates her for taking it away from him. How he felt larger than life with her. Hates her for taking away the tiny shred of belief that he, Matt Saracen, could actually belong.

Somehow it’s worse than before, when he was nothing but a second string quarterback with an ass benched for life. Now that he’s tasted what the field feels like under his feet he’s not sure he can ever settle again. 

He sees her arguing with her mom in the parking lot after school – two women butting heads, hair and temper flying – and he has the sudden urge to shake her out of that sullenness she wears like a uniform as of late. Wants to tell her to be fucking _thankful_.

She has it all, and he doesn’t and he hates her for showing it to him and taking it away.

\--

At 18, he graduates from high school and he knows he doesn’t have the heart to be a soldier like his dad and he doesn’t have the legs to turn pro like Smash and he sure as hell doesn’t have the guts to tell Julie Taylor that he loves her (hates her).

He sees her one last time, at this party after prom. It’s late – everyone’s already gone to have sex with someone or drink themselves to death or both – and he sits on the porch, staring out onto the water, wondering if he can really make it out of here. Wondering if he really wants to. 

She comes out of the house, her bare feet making low thuds on the wooden planks of the veranda. Sits next to him in a rustle of gown, the silky fabric glimmering in the twilight. “This the safe corner?” she asks and quips a smile. Leans close to him like they’re still friends. 

Her skin smells of sun and warmth and she has her hair up in some sort of elegant swirl that looks like it’s coming undone, strands curling in the humidity. He hates her a little for it, how that makes him long to reach out and tug at it until it all comes tumbling down. How he wants to run his hands through it. 

He should ask her why she’s not upstairs with her boyfriend or why she slept with him of all people. Like does she even love that Aaron guy and if she does, how come she’s now downstairs, here, with someone else? 

He should ask her all this and tell her how he feels but he does none of these things, just asks her if she’s alright.

She says yes and her voice is thick with a sigh and something like tears and just like that, he wants to make it right with her. She’s all soft and open in the face, eyes gleaming from something heavy and she drops her lashes when he takes her hand, like she’s swallowing something down.

So they just sit there and he holds her a little in a way he can.

He’s a graduate from high school and a two time state champion (at least that’s what the rings say) and he’s still a coward.

\--

At 19, he realizes just how small Dillon was. How it used to be his entire world, but it isn’t anymore. He picks a major cause he knows he’s not cut out to play ball all his life. 

His dad’s on leave for two weeks that summer and Matt goes home to visit but it feels he’s a little late for the party. 

They meet Coach at the supermarket, Gracie in tow. She’s a 3 year old with her father’s hair and her sister’s attitude, toothy grin included. Coach kisses Grandma’s cheek and asks Matt how he’s doing, kindness and pride in his eyes. Says “Son,” and hugs him and tells him to come by some time. Makes Matt feel 16 again.

A week later he drives his father to base and they shake hands for goodbye. He votes Democrat that fall and it feels just a little like rebellion.

\-- 

At 20, Matt starts to draw again. It’s around the same time Grandma starts to forget his name. 

He visits her at the home every other weekend – holds her hand and sits there. Kisses her for goodbye, the skin of her cheek like brittle paper under his lips. 

She calls him all kind of names but never Henry.

She sleeps more now, like she’s fading into her own dreams and Matt’s glad she’s happy but he wonders if when she’s gone that small boy with the tyre in his yard will stop existing, too. He wonders if anyone will ever call him Mattie again. 

\--

At 21, Matt breaks up with his girlfriend of two years and Panthers play state again. Street calls him and so he gets a ticket and watches the game and he’s surprised how small they look out there on the field, how different it all looks now, looking back. 

He spots Coach in the crowd, hair screaming from his head and wishes he could go over and tell him what he’s made of himself but that’s just ridiculous really.

\--

At 22, he graduates from UT and his father’s in the stands when he gets his cum laude. He says “Matthew,” and “I’m proud of you, son” and nods sombrely, words and everything else hanging heavily between them. They go for a meal at a fancy place and Matt knows that’s probably the closest to an 'I love you' he’ll ever get from Henry Saracen. 

He takes it. 

 

\--

At 23, he meets her again, and he’s a graduate from a decent school and she’s Julie Taylor and they are, for the first time in both their lives, on the same terms. Eye to eye. Or maybe they’ve been that way before, Julie says, many years ago.

“Let’s go back,” she whispers against his skin like a kiss, after they’ve made love. He looks at her, all rosy and lovely and knows she means it. It’s a sorry and a promise all rolled into one. “Let’s go back to that.” But he doesn’t need her to. 

She’s different now – seems a little less bouncy, a little more wary – but she still smiles like a kid, unabashedly into his face, when she says I love you. Like it’s a tiny wonder.

It’s ok, Matt thinks, cause he’s different too. They’ve both grown separately – not apart but towards each other. He tells her one rainy afternoon, when they’re driving down to see her parents and Gracie.

He thinks he could be like this, just like this, with her, forever.


End file.
